Not holding back

[baronessekat]

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

My rating: 1 of 5 stars




Oh Dear Sweet Baby Jesus in a Pumpkin Patch! How in the world did this piece of dreck ever get published? How can anyone find this "amazing", "life altering", "mind-blowing" or even "good"?

I got this as an audiobook and I'm glad I did. At least as an audiobook I could do other things while listening to this and not have totally lost the time it would have taken to read it.

Where to start on what I found wrong with this book:

1. The Writing First off this was written in the style I hate most - 1st person present tense. I find it a cop out. If I want a story I want you to tell me a story, I can still "live" the story if you are telling me as if it happened, instead of a "blow-by-blow" account of it as it happens. I don't mind the first person POV. Not to mention it feels like the author swallowed a thesaurus and she has no imagination.

1a. The Dialog I've had better conversations with a bowl of Rice Krispies.

1b. The Sex Scenes Some of the "Purple Prose" is trite and the rest of the descriptive narrative is boring to say the least. I also found them so far from stimulating and exciting to be almost a turn off. I've been more stimulated cleaning out the cat box than I did by this book. Penthouse Forums is better written. Ms. James has two children so obviously she has had sex, but from the writing, you would never know it.

1c. The Interjections How many times does the main character have to utter the phrases "Oh my!", "Holy [insert choice of expletive]" and "What the Fuck/Hell"? There are other ways to describe surprise.

2. The Attitude It is very clear that the author has a complete disdain for the BDSM lifestyle. I saw an interview with her where she said that all her research was done via the internet. So no talking to people who actually play or live the lifestyle. It's clear on how she constantly makes it sound "sick" and "ill" and "mentally disturbed". Never have I been so offended and outraged by a work of fiction before as I was by the attitude that oozed off this work.

3. The Characters 2 dimensional, unbelievable wastes of space.

3a. Anastasia Steele Really? Srsly? Totally unbelievable. Complete pushover who lets her friends walk over her and then seems surprised when Mr. Grey thought she was a natural submissive?

She's a 21 year old who has attended college in a large city, has a roommate who is not "innocent" and spent her mid-late teens in Las Vegas and is THAT completely naive about sex? I don't believe it. I can get the being a virgin at 21. But I refuse to believe that any young woman in 2011 with her background is that unaware. Dare I say it? Stupid?

The way she approaches Christian is more like a incipit 13 year old with her first crush and hoping she will get asked to the 8th Grade Semi-Formal. She actually uttered the phrase "Desire, that's what this is. This is what desire feels like." She is flipping 13! I'm sorry. Even with being "only a English Lit Major" she should have an idea. I've read Jane Eyre and others of that time and while not modern romances, they still give insight into love and desire.

As the book progresses she is constantly saying "I've never seen him like this". Of course not. She's known him for a whole 4 weeks. She doesn't even know ANYTHING about him. Why is she so shocked when he says or does something that she hasn't seen him do before. Puh-leaze.

And she is constantly complaining how "bossy" he is. I got sick of that complaint very early on. Not to mention all the times she just sits and muses on how beautiful Christian Grey is and how sensual his mouth is, how dexterous and/or knowledgeable his fingers are and how enigmatic his eyes are.

She was totally a Mary-Sue. Her first time having sex was only mildly uncomfortable? She could deep throat on the first try (and if he was really that big, how was that possible)?

She asked Christian questions about his past then gets upset when he gives her a answer. She forms conclusions on women in his past and gets insanely jealous when he says he still has the occasional dinner with one because they are friends but can't understand why Christian might have twinges of jealousy when she has an evening out with her male friend Jose?

She needed help setting up a MacBook laptop but instantly knew how to work a Blackberry?

I had absolutely no sympathy or empathy for this character. And more often than not I just wanted to reach through the iPod and slap a bitch. Her, Her Subconsious and her Inner Goddess. All three of them.

3b. Christian Grey Now it's harder to write about him because the book is written from Anna's point of view so we only get to see him through her very biased and annoying eyes.

Apparently he is so good looking that any woman who comes within a 5 foot radius of him (other than Ana's roommate) can't form a coherent thought and wants to throw her panties at him. And naked he is apparently "huge" but I have a hard time believing that if she's never seen any others to have any comparison.

I really question the idea of a 27 year old who owns and operates an international communications conglomerate that he built himself rather than inherited or bought.

Yes he seems to have anger issues and is a bit of a control freak. Again, this all comes from Anna's point of view.

He was a stalker. Pure and simple. He tracked her phone via GPS tracing. He followed her to Savannah when she went to get away for a few days. He knew where she lived and moved to without her having to give him the addresses. He wanted her to check in with him constantly and answer her emails immediately and got mad when she was busy and didn't. Sorry dear, that's not love. That's harassment.

I do have general issues with how he is portrayed as a Dom. His idea of aftercare is oil or lotion for her sore bottom after a spanking/paddling? No making sure that she really is ok mentally other than asking "are you ok?" and accepting the "I'm fine" and then is surprised when she has a crying breakdown after her first time doing any kind of "kink" (which is mild spanking). There is a difference between a Dom and an asshole and you Mr. Grey are nothing more than an asshole with money. But this again harkens back to the fact that the author did not do the kind of research she should have done. Because apparently the only reason one would want to be a Dom is due to an abusive childhood or sick mental disease.

3c. The Two Together The NRE exuded throughout the entire book was beyond sickening. But other than her thoughts of how gorgeous he is, I never saw, heard, felt any spark between them. It was clear that it was a business arrangement for him. Yes there was a contract. I'm not surprised at this. I know of BDSM couples who have one. It's good to have things laid out. But even as he was saying that he was starting to want more in the relationship and was trying, I saw no evidence of such. Sure they had "non-kinky sex" sometimes but it felt more of a "if I give her what she wants, I'll get what I really want" thing.

Both of them seemed so focused on "fixing" each other rather than learning about each other.

3d. The Side Characters Why bother having them. Obviously the roommate character Kate was supposed to help be the voice of reason, but instead came across as a overbearing overprotective bitch who once she became involved with Christian's brother Elliot became worse and non-existent at the same time (which takes talent). I didn't see the point of having the character of Jose if all he was for was to provide a small point of tension for Christian.

4. The Public Reaction I just don't get it. How can anyone have liked this book. And to hear that people are trying to use it as a guide to spice up their love lives? NO NO NO NO NO!

It is by far the worst representation of an alternative lifestyle. It shows it unsafely, unrealistically and wrong. Please people, if you are interested, talk to people in the scene. Read a real book not this work of fictitious crap.



I have no intention of reading or listening to the other two books. I have read the reviews and know that if this book pissed me off this much, the others will cause my head to explode.

I only wish I could give this book a negative star review.




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