A Glimpse into my mind

As I said in a recent post that wasn't just a book/story review, I'm going through a bit of a rabbit hole with my reading.

I bit the bullet and signed up for a 30 day free trial of Kindle Unlimited so that I could get smutty stories and not feel guilty for spending money on them.

Anyway, a couple of the early stories referenced a concept called Omegaverse. This sent me further down a rabbit hole of a romance sub-genre I hadn't done before - reverse harem with a twist. I will let you, dear reader, do your own research into it. Others write about this sub-genre better than I could.

Anyway, I got to doing some introspection on why I have inhaled 5 novels in as many days (#6 might be finished today). I mean the smut is spicy in most of them but it wasn't really what was drawing me to the concepts.

Then I realized... I spent the last three years in a heightened state of trauma fear due to the abusive and toxic environment that I worked in. I didn't want anyone near me really. If even close friends came near, I had to fight the strong "get the FUCK away from me" response.

Now, I am no longer in that mindset. I don't have the constant state of tense awareness around me. And I'm craving a bit of contact - just warm gentle touch... cuddles, being held, made to feel safe and that maybe someone else could be there for me, be in charge, and not so much protect but I lack a word other than protect.

Oh don't get me wrong, it's been pre-pandemic since I have been intimate with anyone and well... sex can be fun and feels good. But right now I and battling body dysmorphia weasels and my own labeling that I'd probably spiral if found in a situation where someone would want to be that way with me.

But having someone I care about and trust look me in the eyes and tell me that they have me... hold me... maybe just lay on me and put their weight on me to help me feel safe and grounded. Made to feel special/important. Hell, I can't recall the last time someone even gave me a flower that wasn't part of being a consort in Crown Tourney.

Yeah, that'd be nice.


(please note, this is not a cry for people/friends to start jumping up and volunteering and inundating me with flowers or the like. I recognize this might send me in a panic spiral also. This is just a me taking stock of what I am feeling and experiencing)

well 35 now but still. I've been with my new organization for that long and I still am floored by how well it's going.

Today I came into work from to an email from my boss praising an email I wrote and how wonderful it was that I am "keeping the trains running smoothly and doing so while representing [her] and the organization so well." and that she was so happy that I have joined the team.

I actually started crying at my desk. Luckily I was the only one in my part of the office at the time and was able to pull myself together before anyone saw me being a snotty mess. After Bosslady came in and we sat down for our beginning of the day/week review of what's on deck, I told her that she made me cry in a good way and how I honestly could not remember the last time I experienced positive validation from a supervisor. She actually teared up a little and said that she was sorry that I had experienced that and no one should have to work like that.

So yes, I am happy where I am. I am learning a lot, have wonderful coworkers who include me in conversations and have invited me to join them for lunch from time to time. I get thanked for the "emergency chocolate" basket on my desk, and in general have been made to feel like I am part of the team.

Additionally, I commented to friends this weekend that it's been over a month since I had a tension induced migraine. It's been over a month since I had a tremor storm (that's what I call them as they are not seizures), it's been over a month since I spent the majority of my day watching the clock and counting the minutes to lunch and home. I no longer fear hearing my name being called out.

It's only been a month, bu to quote Little Orphan Annie "I think I'm gonna like it here."

One of the many things I miss about dicea not living 15 minutes away is the ability to call and say "I need to clean my house but my depression is kicking my ass, and that's leading to the house needing to be cleaned." and she would come over and give me company and quiet encouragement while I slowly tackled the "hard".

My house is making my depression worse, but my depression is keeping me from cleaning my house.

OKay, yeah continued money difficulties are not helping the depression levels. Nor is the clock change.

Nor...

Nor...

Nor...

I'm tired.

Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Flat out exhausted.

I'm tired of scraping to get by. The current economy has me pinching pennies and I am still robbing Peter to pay Paul for basic bills. I just authorized an overdraft on my bank account to keep my gas from being shut off. And this is after my amazing sister helped me out by covering property taxes and a very high and past due electric bill.

My credit rating has plummeted because I have had to late pay a lot of bills the last few months. I got a raise at work but that goes into effect with my next paycheck.

I agreed ages ago to be fought for in our upcoming crown and reserved the hotel room. Now I have no idea how I am going to scrape up the funds for the room or gas (I can do one but the other will be tough).

I'm tired of having nightly panic attacks on how I am just going to get through, what will I do if the furnace breaks in the middle of winter, how will I cover a medical emergency for me or Grimmy? I'm tired of finding myself just shutting down and zoning for hours after work because I just can't anymore.

Additionally work is just killing my soul. I'm tired of working for a toxic abusive asshole who yells for no reason and forgets he tells you to do something, the gets upset when you do what he told you to do. I'm tired of having to field calls from upset customers because he won't let me handle the customers in a timely manner because HE needs some stupid and trivial thing taken care of (like push the button on the coffee maker in his office, or research where he can find socks in the EXACT shade of black that he wants). He's the one that made me Customer Service Manager on top of his personal verbal/emotional punching bag Admin Assistant.

I finally have given myself permission to start putting myself back on the market. Frankly, despite the financial issues I have, I would be willing to take a cut if the environment is better and the benefits are better. (currently no 401k, let along matching. 2 weeks of vacation with no additional no matter how long you are employed, health insurance coverage that is a joke and the premiums are outrageous, and I do not get reimbursed for mileage when I use my car to run his stupid errands that could be done by his wife or him off hours).

I cannot bring myself to ask for more help. I've been doing that too much and I do not want to get the reputation that other acquaintances of mine have of constantly asking for or needing assistance.

I just don't know. I will muddle through somehow.

A friend of mine approaches each year with a hashtag to motivate her. I kinda like that idea. but instead of a hashtag, I found a quote I want to keep in mind for the year




Overcome fear.

Behold wonder.

These two statements are how I want to go through the coming year.

Well, my professional world is changing again. My employment with the Not-for-Profit has ended. I will not go into details but just say it was not working out on both sides.

But while I am sad, I called my most recent "old boss" since I had still been part-time there. We talked and as much as I hate that I am doing it, I am going back there full time starting Monday. We discussed things that can happen to make me more content there (I don't know that I can use the word happy). So no more working from home but it's back to something I don't have to flounder for 3+ weeks trying to figure things out.

First three days of working from home for new company. Going well. It's nice to work for a company that I do not have to account for every single minute and is trusting me to start my training at my own speed. I'm going through training videos and getting paid to read a "For Dummies" book. I also started to review a spreadsheet for ways that I think might make it more efficient for use.

Also day three of being per deim with job from hell. I call at 5:30, Boss man dictates what he wants a letter to say. I pretty up the language and email it to him to send out. Today in our conversation he said "Seriously, if you want to come back I will pay you anything." I politely chuckled and redirected him to the letter he wanted to send today.

But let me tell you, I am infinitely happier and more relaxed than I have been in MONTHS.

Still glad I made the decision I did.

Yesterday boss called me into his office and asked what he could do to keep me from leaving.

He offered me more money.
He offered me "perks" (the occasional work from home, go to trade shows when they return to happening).

I declined all, stating that I signed the agreement and an NDA already. He then offered to pay for any legal that would happen from breaking the agreement.

The last two weeks he's also been like a changed man. Coworkers have noticed too.

Too little too late. I've seen the Mr. Hyde behind the Dr. Jekyll.

He could have tripped my current salary and I would still turn it down.

One more week.

Anyone who has followed my posts here for the last 4 months may have come to the conclusion that I hate my job.

That is an understatement. I LOATHE it. My boss is the founder/owner/President of the company. He is also a 75 year-old racist, bigoted, misogynistic asshollic bully who has no concept that people have a life outside of him. He is a multimillionare who is building two homes. One here in NY and one in Florida that are ultra modern monstrosities that look like IKEA threw up and made a house. He has no problem dropping $400 on a pair of jeans for himself but won't shell out to cover gas for someone who runs an errand for him during work hours.

Also his concept of time... heaven forbid you are 1 minute late to come to him when he calls you but when you do arrive because he asked you to come to his office you get to sit and wait 20 minutes while he checks email, returns a phone call OR... shops online for a new car or more property to buy.

I'm supposed to be his executive assistant. What I do most of the day is watch him read emails, make phone calls, shop online and on rare occassions type up a letter he's dictated. I also get him coffee. Which consists of him asking for coffee - I get up from my desk, walk into his office, take the empty cup off his desk, step to the other end of the desk where the Kureig is, put the coffee pod in the machine and push the button.


And he hates color. everything on him, the office and his home are black and white, with a splash of grey. So yeah - NOT ME. My rebellion is to wear bright colors - even if it means him constantly making comments on my garments.

To call my days soul crushing is a bit of an understatement. I determined this was going to be the case about 3 days after I started. That's when I started looking for something else. But I wasn't about to quit without something else in place.

This week that something else has come through. Monday, April 5th I start as the Administrative Specialist for a woman-owned, not-for-profit company that focuses on HIGH exposure branding. As the CEO said, basically it's going to be my office. I will handle everything from emails, to bank runs, to website updates, to membership database control to event planning and managing. It comes with a raise, potential bonus pay, and when we host events in person again - travel. They are already planning Las Vegas and Atlanta in 2022. And it's work from home until the world (or at least the state/county) is back to 100%.

I have not posted to Facebook yet because I have not yet given my official notice where I am currently employed. My plan is to do that this Friday about half an hour before the end of my day. I am prepared to either be worked to the bone for the next three weeks or to be summarily dismissed. Personally I expect the first option because, like I said, boss hates to spend money on someone else and you bet your ass I'd file for unemployment for these three weeks.

I already feel lighter and happier. I was talking with my sister on my lunch today and said "it's almost like I"m escaping an abusive relationship" and she replied "you are."

But regardless, I am really looking forward to this new opportunity. The emails I have been exchanging with my soon to be Bosslady and the CFO (also a woman) have been vibrant, exciting and they are genuinely happy to have me coming aboard (well if all the exclamation marks in the emails are any indication).

So there you have it. The state of me.

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!

Offer came Thursday. I accepted on Friday. Executive Admin Assistant to the President/Owner of a small manufacturing business about 10-15 minutes from my house (not counting the required stop at Tim Hortons for coffee). Basically he description he gave me for what I'll be doing is "Pepper Potts" - just not with that analogy but that's how my brain translated it.

It's salaried and about $300 less a year than what I was making at the old place (not counting the stupid overtime they gave me). But that would be more than I'd be making had I stayed there (as they implemented a 10% pay reduction for all who they kept after the furloughs). And honestly, depending on what health insurance option I pick, I may actually break even.

I start Monday, the 23rd. The instantly get two days off for the Thanksgiving holiday on Thursday and Friday.

I'm nervous as it's a "in the office" job but it's a job. I went yesterday to consignment stores to pick up office appropriate clothing since for 8 years I worked at a place that had "jeans and a decent shirt" as dress code and need actual business casual stuff. I have a couple dresses to make as well. I see myself at the sewing machine a lot for the next week so I have things to wear before I start work.

But yay! Big weight off my shoulders now.