baronessekat: (quiet)
I've been debating this post for a while. I more or less keep my political views to myself and only share it with a small selection. Why? Because I was raised that it wasn't anyone else's business how I voted.

I sign the occasional petition, though I don't really think it will go anywhere. I've escorted friends through picket lines to have a Planned Parenthood appointment (never asking the reason for the appointment as it wasn't my business).

I more or less tried to boycott watching the Inauguration, but when your desk is less than 40 feet from the only TV on the floor at work, I did hear it. The only part I got up from my desk to go see was to watch him put his hand on a book and swear to uphold and protect the Constitution of the United States. I wanted to see with my own eyes and hear with my own ears those words come from his mouth. When he took the oath, and the audience (and many of my co-workers) clapped, I shook my head and simply quoted Senator Amidala ... "This is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause".

But it's been now a couple weeks since the new President was sworn in. And with every day I get more and more scared. Not just for myself. I am a single woman, though white, who at times lives paycheck to paycheck but has medical issues. I'm terrified of getting sick now that health care is under attack and if I lose my job, may not be able to be insured again because I have a preexisting condition (asthma and migraines). I'm scared for my friends who are of foreign descent and a "terror faith". Yes I actually heard someone call Islam "that Terror Faith". I'm scared for my sister who works in Government and wondering how long will she have a job? I'm terrified for friends who rely on the VA and Medicaid to fulfill their medical needs. I am no scared for my SCA foster daughter who is close to graduating High School and it looks like the new Secretary of Education is not for education... how will she afford to attain her dream of attending Medical School? I fear for my friends who risk their marriage being voided, their proper gender not being recognized because that was not the way they were physically born. I am to my core terrified of losing drinking water you don't have to pay to a corporation for, that the extinct species list will triple or quadruple in the next year, and that people and the nation will lose homes and land because parks will no longer be protected and the environment is just another commodity to be abandoned because it is not profitable.

Every report that comes out of Washington talks of what stupid, insane and destructive thing the new President has said. Not to mention the idiotic and uneducated things his mouthpieces have said about "alternate facts". By reports, he can't seem to hold a civil conversation with Foreign Officials without being rude. He insulted Australia for cripes sake. Now I wonder how long before my friends in Oz will not be able to come visit for Pennsic because it's just too dangerous. I'm afraid to cross the border to see friends in Canada for fear that somehow I won't be allowed back in, let along if they would be allowed in to visit here.

I fear for the general public.

And I wonder if all this bombardment of stupid, ridiculous and insane, not to mention fear mongering is planned so that we get so overwhelmed in the first couple weeks that we, as a nation, get to the point of going from "we need to stop this" to "how do we stop this" to "can we stop this" to resignation and acceptance because we can't.

THIS is what I fear the most. The complete and utter feeling of hopelessness and giving up of the American people. That the universal belief will become that if you are not lucky enough to have been born into the elite 1%, you're worthless and why should we bother trying to educate you and keep you healthy.

People used to look at me when I said we no longer lived in an electoral republic but instead have become an electoral oligarchy. Now they aren't thinking I'm so crazy. Now I wonder how long before the electoral part is eliminated. And if it is... how long before the next American Civil War?
baronessekat: (insanity1)
Over on Facebook it is something like "hidden illness awareness" day or the like. I see people I know and love answering this quiz like meme about what it's like living with a hidden illness. I read their answers and am proud that they are brave enough to share.

But then I beat myself up because I know my severe depression, my non-stop headaches and severe allergies would technically fall under "hidden illnesses". But I read their answers and know that my answers would seem lame compared to theirs. The voices make it seem like it's a contest and I'm a loser. That's part of my hidden illness. My constant inner battle against the voices that tell me just how bad and worthless I am.

I am not schizophrennic, but when I write sentences like the last two I know it sounds like I am. But I have no way to otherwise describe the constant inner battle I have.

I don't take daily medication for my illnesses. If I did, I would be in a constant state of being unable to function to make a living. I would not be able to accomplish any ADL's let alone be a "responsible adult" and earn a living or be social.

my answers, cut cuz I feel like I'm whining )
baronessekat: (beautiful me)
Applies to many aspects of my life right now:

My self-worth is not dependent on whether or not YOU like me.
baronessekat: (pointless conversation)
I made a post on FB this morning after seeing the posted lunch menu for an upcoming event.

Basically it was just a venting of frustration with my own self and body and saying that once again I get to deal with the "joys of having food allergies" and seeing that yet again I'm going to have to figure out a transportable lunch to take with me on a 3.5 hour trip to the event and then wait until the lunch block of time.

It really was just a frustration with myself. I would love to be able to try foods and eat what they put out at events. But when 80% of the menu is soy or egg based, I have to be cautious about the other 20% listed. Even with "normal and plain" sideboards I usually end up taking only bread and cheese and if it's a clear broth soup, maybe some of that.

I accept it. I've had severe food allergies all my life. My first allergy was diagnosed at 6 month old due to a severe reaction to soy based babe formula. It's just the way of my life.

So I don't eat the lunches and I certainly don't pay the additional $10-$20 for feasts. The last time I did pay for a feast, more to support my barony and the cook, I still ended up only eating 2 things brought out.

I hate myself because I have friends who love to cook and I just can't risk myself and support them by staying and eating their feasts.

I have several who have said "OH I can make a feast you can eat". Then comes the awkward bit of, I might be ABLE to eat it and not have a reaction, but then comes the "I just don't like it" aspect. I detest middle eastern food. Not flavor combinations I have ever liked. Anything pickled turns my stomach. There are so few vegetables that I like, and none of them period, so those are out. So you end up with roasted, but unseasoned beef or chicken, maybe a starch dish like armored turnips or a mushroom barley dish, and the usual bread and butter.

I can't explain to people who cook feasts that when they say "challenge accepted" or a variation of it, that it only makes me feel worse. It only points out that I am a "special needs" case. That I need to be catered to feast wise. I'm different and strange.

I realize my feastocrat friends who take on the challenge of making a feast that I and fellow allergy sufferers can eat are doing so to show they care, and while I cannot speak for the others, I wish they wouldn't. It really doesn't help. Not for me. Because I still won't eat it. Then I get the overwhelming feeling of guilt because I then find out they made it with me in mind and I have to say they went to all the trouble for nothing. I didn't stay for or eat the feast. And because I was raised in a family were food preparation and serving was a way we showed love, and then not eating the food was a proverbial slap, it only makes me feel like a complete bitch and ungrateful.

And I cannot figure out ways to say that to those that say "challenge accepted". Because when I do say "thank you but don't. I won't be eating the feast regardless" I completely feel like I'm insulting them. I have had them argue "but I know I can do it and I will". I end up just shrugging and saying "whatever makes you happy". And I depart feeling unsupportive and miserable, because it falls back to the "I need to be catered too because I'm a special snowflake" and I was told from a very early age to not to draw attention to my differences.

Smile and nod, pay the extra $10 for some plain rice and cheese and hope you can find something along the way home and spend just as much again later.

Seriously it's not you, it's me. And please stop pointing that out. I hate myself enough as it is.
baronessekat: (wednesday garfield)
I really need to adjust my attitude today.

I woke up not feeling like I slept at all. This might partially be due to the fact that I fell asleep to Ghost Hunters on the TV. I'm kinda bummed that I missed the ending as they were at the Buffalo Naval Museum.

But I started the day in a foul mood, have had absolutely no motivation whatsoever to do any of the MASSIVE amounts of paperwork sitting on my desk (to the point that I got the graphs for the 9am meeting done and distributed at 8:55 instead of 7:30 like I usually do). I'm looking at the rest of it with a great big "fukit" feeling, especially for every day's worth of data entry I do on the project, I am chasing down details from at least two different people due to not filling out the initial paperwork correctly or haphazardly. I'm just really emotionally tired of having to tell my boss "the reason X report isn't done yet from 2 months ago, is I am still waiting for Y department to send out the details, despite me asking on several occasions."

What caused me to realized the mindset I'm in was that a family member posted to FB some stupid motivational picture that says "What's the definition of unconditional love? Your mother." and my first thought was "Then, unconditional love is dead."

I have two scrolls I need to calligraph for this weekend (one is a backlog that I need to get signed so I can get it to the recipient's widow at War Practice) and the other is a VERY last minute award for this weekend. Luckily I have blanks to use but that has not helped the mood.

I'm probably just 12 shades of hormonal today and all but right now I am not fit for human company. This needs to change before tonight as I have a dinner date with Boogie and it's not fair to her to be in this rotten of a mood since she is in no way shape or form remotely responsible for it.
baronessekat: (workout)
Last week I made it to both Yoga class and Aquafit. I was rather proud of myself for doing so.

Yesterday I had every intention of going to the gym after work. I even packed my gym bag with both work out clothes and my swim suit and towel.

After Wednesday I won't be able to go into the pool for three weeks due to getting some touch up done on the At-ore tattoo.

I got in the car and, luckily I looked before driving to the gym, saw that I had left said gym bag at home. Sadly I know me. I knew I'd go home, kick of the snow boots so I could go in and go to the bathroom without tracking snow through the house, say hello to the 4-feets and end up not going back out. And that is exactly what happened. Only, this time, rather than do all that and then change out of work clothes into after-work clothes, I made myself change into my work-out clothes and put on my Yoga DVD and do the hour.

It was nice as it's a different routine and positions than what my class does. Grimmy, however, did not know what to make of it and every time I was in either downward dog or crane, he'd come running up to me and lick my face. And when I was in the cool down phase of laying on my back to stretch he tried to get my to play "pus" or "blue thing" (two of his toys that he likes to play tug and fetch with).

When I changed into around the house clothes, I packed the bag for yoga this morning. But... when I woke up at 0500 I was hit with a rather nasty headache. I took some headache powder and opted to go back to bed for an hour rather than try to push through a 0600 yoga class.

But the bag is in the car and hopefully I can get myself to go do laps in the pool and maybe on the track before heading out to Baronial 12th Night. That's the plan anyways. Hopefully the plans won't change upon first engagement with the enemy.
baronessekat: (amused)
and another day of "Ekat has absolutely no tolerance for people"
baronessekat: (small)



Some may find this comic funny. For many, it's a reality. Growing up I was a kid with allergies, back before allergies were really well known.

Try being a kid in the 70's who couldn't drink Kool-Aid because you're was allergic to 3 of the red dyes used, 2 of the yellow dyes AND sugar. Who had couldn't have normal popsicles (my mom had to make apple juice popsicles for me) or ice cream. Who had a mother that had to send special lunches to day care and school because of allergies and not being able to partake food at friends birthday parties. I know I was lucky in that my allergies were not as contact sensitive as many with peanut allergies. But it was just one more thing that alienated me and made me different from the other kids. Just one more thing to be teased about and called freak/weird/loser.

Even now, as an adult, I have to turn down lunch invitations due to allergies. Or I go to be social then end up making the others feel bad because I am stuck with plain white rice or nothing at all. I have to do the "is it worth being ill for the next X amount of time or do I just decline" for many things. Even now, as an adult, there is a bit of hurt being playfully teased with "plates of death" even if the list of "plates of death" is significantly smaller than when I was a kid. It's easier to laugh off at 40 than it was at 4. It's easier now that I have friends who also have medical or chosen food limitations. Doesn't mean it's still not hard. Doesn't mean there still isn't envy of those who can order anything they want without having to first weigh consequences.

I have great sympathy for the kids today who are now going through what I went through as a kid. The only thing I envy them for is that it is now "socially acceptable" and more recognized.

But this experience is another reason I give toys and pencils out at Halloween instead of candy. I can't do much but at least there is less chance of mom and dad taking away a pencil than a snickers bar.
baronessekat: (sick)
Yesterday was Sunday, which means gaming night. The GM, who hosts gaming at his house, provides dinner for those of us who show up. He made this amazing slow roasted pork that was delish. He knows about my soy allergy so I knew that wasn't what made it taste so good, so I asked what was in it.

It was slow cooked and marinated in Orange Juice. Luckily my OJ allergy is not like my soy one. I filled up on rice and popped a couple benedryl and was fine for the evening. Until I went to bed.

At that point my entire body itched and felt like I had ants crawling under my skin. I had no swelling or trouble breathing. No hives or other outward signs of reaction. I just itched... everywhere. I took more benedryl and while that helped some, it didn't knock me out so my sleeping was fitful and uncomfortable (when I was able to sleep). I know my restlessness and constant moving to get comfortable drove all the 4-footeds out of the bed.

So while I am no longer itchy or reacting from the allergy on a hystamine level, I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to curl up and nap. I thought about going out and napping in my car but I fear that I won't wake up when my lunch hour is over. So instead I've done the energy drink and lots of cola.

But, the upside to this event is knowing that I have been smart for the last 36 years in still avoiding oranges after my first positive allergy test when I was 4 years old.

Stuff

Aug. 29th, 2013 11:03 am
baronessekat: (mushroom butt)
It's been ages since I visited the Glad Game. I need to get back to that. But mentally Pennsic was tough for me and I've had a hard time getting back into a mindset to do the Glad Game. Maybe tonight I will reflect on what has been going on in the last month and pick out some good things and start from there.

I've been feeling run down this week. I know the majority of it comes from the stress release of having gotten the Laurel Scroll done to where I was comfortable sending it off to it's final destination combined with the 16-ish hour round trip to Ealdormere. So this week I've been trying to let myself take it easy.

I didn't do so good yesterday. I was feeling better and when invited to join Captain Æthelmearc, No-the-Queen and one of my un-Laurels for swim and hot tub time I went. I spent too much time in the hot tub and then followed that in the dry sauna. Yeah, managed to get myself overheated. Not-the-Queen took care of me while we got my temperature regulated and then went for food, where we met up with the Boogie.

I had fun being social with the ladies.

When I came home (past my normal bedtime) I found myself sitting on my front step just listening to the world. The Cicada and the Peepers were out in force and singing a lovely harmony. Eventually I let Grimmy come out and sit in my lap as we sat and just experienced the evening. It was peaceful. The first time in a while I felt that way.

After getting in, I found a message from a friend of the East asking me if I would help him replace his damaged Maunche scroll because he loves my work and would be honored to have it on his wall. That was a nice boost to my esteem. I need to start thinking on that one.

Unfortunately this morning I woke up with a cluster headache that is still not going away. Hopefully after lunch it will ease more.

But for now... just keep moving forward
baronessekat: (Default)
[livejournal.com profile] unique_name_123 asked: I know something about who you are today, but nothing about how you got that way. How did you get to be the person you are?

cut to save the Flist and not bore anyone who doesn’t care )

Been better

Oct. 2nd, 2009 11:24 am
baronessekat: (sick)
Last night was not a good night.

I took myself up to bed by 8pm. While I watched a little TV and tried to work on the send half of my "Son of Sock Swap" project it just wasn't happening.

Lungs - bad. Very tight despite several rounds of rescue inhalor and the evening does of daily inhalor and double shot of benedryl.

At 1am I had rather strong sharp pains right where the bra would cross the sternum if I had been wearing one at that time of night.

Coughing but not productive but felt like there was something stuck in my throat.

I seriously came close to bundling myself up and driving to the entrance of my housing development and taking myself to the urgent care facility right there. But I didn't, though the thought was so strong I did lay there plotting out what clothes to put on if I did end up going.

Eventually by 3:45 breathing resumed to something close to normal and the pains stopped. Coughing eased and I managed to fall asleep.

5am the alarm went off. I dont' remember it doing so and I apparently turned it off because I naturally woke up at 8am (when I"m supposed to be at work). Did as much of a panicked dash as I could with limited lung capability and exhaustion. Texted boss to say I was running late.

Got up, got dressed, packed a lunch, fed the animals and was actually out the door by 8:20 and to work by 8:50. I would have loved to have stayed home but I only have one sick day left this year and I want to hold onto that for a day when I'm much worse and really can't come into work.

This weekend is going to be all about resting, trying to take care of myself and not do anything strenuous. My cleaning can wait until I'm better.
baronessekat: (Default)
Yesterday evening I developed a serious case of the crankies. I don't know why but it certainly felt like my inner 5 year old needed a nap.

So I went up to my bedroom around 8ish, read for about 20 minutes, watched a little TV and was out cold by 9:15 (it wasn't very long into a new episode of Ghost Hunters so that's why I pick that time)

I woke up, still cranky. And the feeling is only getting worse.

I'm thinking it's mostly due to the funky weather but I can't be entirely sure. Right now I just want to find a corner (preferably in my own house), build a fort against the world and maybe shoot things.

I think tonight will be a playstation night.
baronessekat: (fine)
Yesterday it hit. The February depression. And it hit like a ton of bricks.

Doing anything productive yesterday was a task in supreme will power - and this included doing things like making myself something to eat. At one point it was even fighting a panic attack to open the front door and get the mail out of the mail box.

I didn't actually fall asleep last night until about 4:45am.

This morning I'm doing a little better. I was able to open the door and get the paper off the front porch. I noticed the nice weather and had a fleeting thought of maybe I should take Grimm for a walk, but that too was instantly followed by a total paralizing fear.

I'm working on trying to focus on the good things.

I celebrated my one year anniversary at work. They even gave me a nice desk clock/calculator combo with the company's logo on it to mark the occasion. I need to focus on the fact that it may not be my ideal job, but I have one and that as long as the company remains in business I have one.

I have food in the kitchen - may not be what I want to eat at the moment but I won't starve this week.

I have a puppy and kitties that love me and tolerate snuggles from a clingy wreck of a mommy.

I have friends and family who love me.

Yes the next several weeks are going to be tough, but I am strong enough to get through it.

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