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I see you Brain Weasels
Jan. 17th, 2024 02:05 pmAs I said in a recent post that wasn't just a book/story review, I'm going through a bit of a rabbit hole with my reading.
I bit the bullet and signed up for a 30 day free trial of Kindle Unlimited so that I could get smutty stories and not feel guilty for spending money on them.
Anyway, a couple of the early stories referenced a concept called Omegaverse. This sent me further down a rabbit hole of a romance sub-genre I hadn't done before - reverse harem with a twist. I will let you, dear reader, do your own research into it. Others write about this sub-genre better than I could.
Anyway, I got to doing some introspection on why I have inhaled 5 novels in as many days (#6 might be finished today). I mean the smut is spicy in most of them but it wasn't really what was drawing me to the concepts.
Then I realized... I spent the last three years in a heightened state of trauma fear due to the abusive and toxic environment that I worked in. I didn't want anyone near me really. If even close friends came near, I had to fight the strong "get the FUCK away from me" response.
Now, I am no longer in that mindset. I don't have the constant state of tense awareness around me. And I'm craving a bit of contact - just warm gentle touch... cuddles, being held, made to feel safe and that maybe someone else could be there for me, be in charge, and not so much protect but I lack a word other than protect.
Oh don't get me wrong, it's been pre-pandemic since I have been intimate with anyone and well... sex can be fun and feels good. But right now I and battling body dysmorphia weasels and my own labeling that I'd probably spiral if found in a situation where someone would want to be that way with me.
But having someone I care about and trust look me in the eyes and tell me that they have me... hold me... maybe just lay on me and put their weight on me to help me feel safe and grounded. Made to feel special/important. Hell, I can't recall the last time someone even gave me a flower that wasn't part of being a consort in Crown Tourney.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
(please note, this is not a cry for people/friends to start jumping up and volunteering and inundating me with flowers or the like. I recognize this might send me in a panic spiral also. This is just a me taking stock of what I am feeling and experiencing)
I bit the bullet and signed up for a 30 day free trial of Kindle Unlimited so that I could get smutty stories and not feel guilty for spending money on them.
Anyway, a couple of the early stories referenced a concept called Omegaverse. This sent me further down a rabbit hole of a romance sub-genre I hadn't done before - reverse harem with a twist. I will let you, dear reader, do your own research into it. Others write about this sub-genre better than I could.
Anyway, I got to doing some introspection on why I have inhaled 5 novels in as many days (#6 might be finished today). I mean the smut is spicy in most of them but it wasn't really what was drawing me to the concepts.
Then I realized... I spent the last three years in a heightened state of trauma fear due to the abusive and toxic environment that I worked in. I didn't want anyone near me really. If even close friends came near, I had to fight the strong "get the FUCK away from me" response.
Now, I am no longer in that mindset. I don't have the constant state of tense awareness around me. And I'm craving a bit of contact - just warm gentle touch... cuddles, being held, made to feel safe and that maybe someone else could be there for me, be in charge, and not so much protect but I lack a word other than protect.
Oh don't get me wrong, it's been pre-pandemic since I have been intimate with anyone and well... sex can be fun and feels good. But right now I and battling body dysmorphia weasels and my own labeling that I'd probably spiral if found in a situation where someone would want to be that way with me.
But having someone I care about and trust look me in the eyes and tell me that they have me... hold me... maybe just lay on me and put their weight on me to help me feel safe and grounded. Made to feel special/important. Hell, I can't recall the last time someone even gave me a flower that wasn't part of being a consort in Crown Tourney.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
(please note, this is not a cry for people/friends to start jumping up and volunteering and inundating me with flowers or the like. I recognize this might send me in a panic spiral also. This is just a me taking stock of what I am feeling and experiencing)
