the spiral

[baronessekat]

I've been living a lot in my head lately. This often is NOT a good thing. I was reading a book and came across this picture




And went.. hey... yeah... that's me right now.

I've at least reached the stage of recognizing what's happening. I'm even forcing myself to go out and do things with other people. I'm really good a faking how OK I am, so they may not even realized where my brain is.

I had to go to a memorial this past weekend for Wolfgang, a member of my barony who took his life the previous weekend. I did not want to go. Had nothing to do with him... but everything to do with the fact that it's FUCKING FEBRUARY and February sucks big time in my world and the last thing I wanted to do was deal with all the emotions flying around there, when I'm already one open wound, anxiety riddled raw nerve. But I had to go because next week I was supposed to sign the contract and put down the deposit for the barony to rent Wolfgang's fire hall. But with him no longer alive, I no longer had a contact and figured, while kinda tasteless, the memorial at said fire hall was probably the best place to find a new contact. So I sent those guests who came from out of town off to the thing with the statement that I'd be along a few hours later. Apparently, people took my not arriving with them as the "oh she's so broken up about the death".

So when I got there, lots of people wanted to hug and console me and ask me how I was doing. I actually managed to stop myself before actually blurting out "I'm absolutely fine. The only reason I came is because the fucker died so I need a new contact for the event I'm autocratting in June. So stop assuming I'm sad he's gone. When what I am is pissed at the asshole for making my life more complicated." But I just sighed, and said I was doing "just fine and to please stop hugging me." filters... yay for filters.

But I know I'm not at the bottom of the spiral just yet. I need to get through the week of Valentine's day (Morguhn's birthday, the anniversary of Assya's murder at my place of employment, the anniversary of my mother's death AND her birthday) not to mention the now constant trying to decide when to I make the call about Talia? (She's eating baby food and she's snuggly, but her breath is starting to smell bad, and every now and then the almost constant drool is often bloody).

Add to it all that I'm reaching a point where "bone numbing exhausted" is more of a lifestyle than a momentary state of being. I know that it is all tied to the depression. I'm finding myself negotiating with myself about things like "take a shower", "make a real dinner from the Hello Fresh that arrived and not eat a bowl of cheerios or worse, nothing", "pull out the art stuff and START the pelican scroll due at the end of the month".

I recognize it all. I've walked this road before. And no, I'm not at the point of needing to call the Doc for meds, or find a therapist. But I am doing things to counteract the natural urges to hide and hermit. I'm teaching a weekly class for the entire month at Fight Practice. I agreed to teach a class at scribal practice. I don't let myself cancel my nail appointments.

I will get to the other side. It's just a landmine strewn path that I need to negotiate slowly.

Comments

[medievalbooks]

Take it easy. My mom died NY Eve, folks wanted to do a memorial the following week. I said fine, do it without me, I can't and don't want to deal with people saying I am sorry etc. Was emotionally exhausted so went home and have stayed home to recoup...then in Feb have to go back to her house and pack her stuff and giver it to members in the family. I will be able to do it then, have had my emotional time off. But what I am trying to say, is don't force yourself to be the social butterfly and entertain/teach folks. Just get your hair cut, nails done...stuff done for you and just a few, if any people at a time so you can get it back together.