A Glimpse into my mind

The last several nights I have had sleeping issues. I'm exhausted for no reason other than i'm not sleeping well. Oh I'm sleeping, just not well.

All weekend I was bombarded by nightmares.

Last night however was a different kind of dream. I drempt that I was in bed, curled up next to Miss Alex, who was in her usual spot on the bed. Tzar was on the hope chest and Talia was under the covers. So far this is the usual and standard sleeping arrangements (with the exception of Talia sometimes being in the snuggle cube on the desk). I felt a weight come onto the bed. I open an eye and there is Nicky sitting, calm and peacefully just looking at me. I scooted over and he snuggled in between me and Alex and fell asleep. I wrapped my arms around him and went back to sleep.

Was it really a dream? Was it my subconscious trying to find comfort so that I would stop nightmaring? Was it because I've been thinking about him a lot lately, especially with the soon to be pick up of Grimm?

Who knows.

I'm still tired. Even drank a cup of coffee (and blew my allotted breakfast points) and still could just curl up under my desk and sleep.

Thinking that on my way home tonight I will stop at the store and get some fat free mozzerella cheese and some fresh mushrooms. I have WW pitas, some point free bruchetta and am thinking of making a very points friendly pizza for dinner (to off-set the heavy points breakfast I had).

I'm rambling. I think I should stop now. Hope everyone else is having a decent day.

A year ago today I held him in my arms one last time.

A year ago today it felt like my world was over.

A year ago today he told me it was ok.

A year ago today we said good-bye.

And while the pain isn't as bad as it was a year ago today, I still miss him.

He and I have been together now for six months.

He helped me get over a painful parting and eased my sorrow in my time of need.

He makes me laugh. He's learning how to snuggle.

However, he's young. Very young. And there are times when I just want to wring his beautiful neck.

The other morning he accidentally broke my water glass and toothbrush holder in the bathroom. And rather than own up to it, he tried to push the pieces into a corner of the bathtub and pretend I wouldn't notice.

He won't listen to me when I tell him the rules of the kitchen and what can and cannot sit on the counters.

And today, I get home from a wonderful night out with the girls at a baseball game and I find the pantry flooded. I find him sitting there casually flinging water around. I stare at him, slack jawed and asked him just what the hell he was doing.

and he looks up at me with those gorgeous eyes of his, blinks slowly and says "Mrrow" and goes back to playing in the water dish.

Lord and Lady, I pray to you... give me the patience to survive the terrible twos of Kittenhood. So that Tzar Attila Ekaterinavich may live to see his first birthday next month.

Today is All Hallow's Eve. Halloween. The time when the spirit world is closer to the corporeal than any other day of the year.

IT's also the time when I sit and reflect on those who have gone on. This year I have not had to say goodbye to any loved ones. Yet. No, that will be coming soon enough.

My beloved Nicodemus is dying. For those who have never heard of him or had the pleasure of meeting him, he is my 6 year old best friend. I got him six years ago around this time of year. Rescued from the local SPCA.

He's solid black, beautiful amber colored eyes and the biggest heart the divine ever gave to a creature, especially a cat. He's been my love, my companion, and at times my reason for going for the last six years.

But a little over a month ago I was told that the growth on his lower jaw was the dreaded C word. My dearest Nicky has cancer. But he did not seem to be effected by it. The steroid the vet had prescribed him helped to keep the swelling down and he was just as vibrant and loving as always.

But this past week he's slowly been getting worse. He's wheezing now. And it's becoming clear that the cancer is starting to effect his breathing. He's starting to pull away from the other cats and now he's wanting to be left alone more.

He has an appointment on Saturday for a check up with the Vet. And as much as it tears me apart to say it, I'm going to have to look Doctor Dave in the eyes and say that it's time for Nicky to be free. It's going to kill me to say goodbye to him. HE's my baby. But I can't in good conscious let him continue suffering. I love him too much.

My dear Alexandra will miss her big brother. And the baby, Tzar Attila will no longer have a pouncing playmate. But Nicodemus deserves the rest.

Maybe it's fitting that his passing is during the fall, when Mother Nature herself takes a long deserved rest.

All I know is that I am going to miss him terribly and the house will forever seem empty without him there.